Kayden: The Past Read online

  She shook her head, “No.”

  “When it becomes too much, just say the word and I’ll stop. I promise.” I pulled her face down to mine and sucked her lip into my mouth. I ran my hands down her hair and trailed my fingertips across her back. I touched her everywhere with my hands. I could never get enough of her skin, the smell, the feel, everything about it. I licked the skin of her neck down to her breast. I spent time sucking and licking her tits. I needed her really turned on for this to be pleasurable for her. I grabbed her ass and touched her puckered hole, and I knew it wouldn’t be an easy process. She moaned at the sensation of my fingers touching her. She was tight and nervous. I had to find a way to relax her and get her used to something smaller before putting my cock inside her.

  I moved Danielle off of me and onto the bed, placing her on her stomach. I could see her body instantly tense and become stiff. “Not yet, baby. Relax.” I stood on the bed above her and reached down and pulled her hips into the air. She was like play dough in my hands and moved with ease. I rubbed my cock through her wetness before sliding it inside her pussy. I didn’t move at first dragging my fingers across her lips collecting lubrication for my fingers. I moved slowly at first while rubbing the moisture from my fingers on her tight hole. I could feel it convulse under my tips. I increased the speed of my cock thrusting inside of her, filling her mind with nothing but lust and my cock. I pushed lightly waiting for it to yield to the pressure. I pushed deeper as I felt the muscles relax, and her body shook from the sensation. She yelped, but it was quickly followed by a moan.

  I worked my finger and my cock in unison, confusing her mind by the sensation and erasing any pain she may have been feeling. I moved my finger twisting it as I pulled out, expanding the size and stretching her. I needed more lube to work in a second finger, but nothing was close at hand, and I couldn’t stop. I dropped saliva from my lips letting it fall and plop on her ass, running down her crack and onto my fingers. I withdrew my finger and heard a slight whimper. I rubbed both fingers through the saliva before inserting a single digit again. I slowly worked in the second. Her body pulled away, but I held her in place with my free hand. Her movement stopped, and she moaned. Her face was turned sideways on the bed, and I could see the expression on her face change. She was on the edge, close to orgasm, but I wanted to make her come with my cock in her ass.

  I slowed my rhythm, not letting her fall over the cliff of ecstasy, before withdrawing my cock from her quivering core. “Stay there,” I said smacking her on the ass. She stayed still, not moving a muscle, she didn’t even turn her head to see what I was doing. She had to be a jumbled mess and filled with worry. I grabbed a bottle of lube off the floor. I filled my palm with the silky fluid and palmed my cock rubbing it over every inch and ridge. I held the bottle against her ass and squeezed a generous amount letting it dribble down her crack over her hole and drip off her pussy onto the sheets. I threw the bottle on the bed and stroked my cock paying attention to covering the tip.

  I placed my hand on her ass and spread her, giving me easier access. I rubbed the liquid on her hole and used my fingers to spread it inside her. I pulled my fingers out and grabbed my cock and rubbed it against her hole, pushing gently. “Relax, sweetheart. Didn’t my fingers feel good?”

  “Yes,” she said all breathy but with shakiness in her voice.

  “Relax and it will slide right in.” I knew I was lying; it wouldn’t slide right in without force on my part, but it would go in. I started with just the head, and I could feel her ass squeeze my cock with so much force I almost came on the spot. I stopped moving to let her body adjust to my size. “Are you okay?” I rubbed my hands down the skin on her back.

  “Yes, I think so. Just give me a minute.” She held her breath and blew it out slowly. When she exhaled, her ass released and I started to inch in slowly.

  “It’ll get easier. I promise it will feel good.” I seated my cock inside her fully and the force from the muscles inside her were like a vice squeezing the life out of me. I arched my back laying my body against hers. I wrapped my arm around her waist and stroked her clit, rubbing it just the right way to make her world explode, with each swirl of her clit, she became more relaxed.

  “Fuck, yes,” she moaned. “Don’t stop. Oh God.”

  “So damn tight. I fucking love your ass.” I applied more pressure shrinking the size of the tiny circles I made on her skin. I moved slowly inside her, quick on the out and slow on the in. I relished in the feel and concentrated on the movement of my hands trying to draw out my release.

  Her body tightened; every muscle became rigid and the sounds coming out of her mouth were the sexiest I’d ever heard. I started to squeeze her clit lightly with a rhythmic pulsating motion. Her eyes rolled back into her head, and her mouth grew slack. I didn’t think her ass could get any tighter, but it put me over the edge.

  “Fuck.” My movement stopped as a tremor overcame every muscle in my body. The experience so intense I became powerless in the moment. My rhythm became jerky as her body writhed beneath mine.

  “Oh my God. Uhhh,” she moaned into the sheets.

  I collapsed on top of her. Our bodies were slick with sweat, and I’d now claimed every inch of her. I left no stone unturned and no surface untouched in my conquest of her body. I waited for the swelling of my cock to subside before removing it.

  “Ouch,” she said as I pulled her with me onto our backs. She rested her head on my chest, and I laid there unable to speak. My breath was ragged, and my heart hammered at a rapid pace beating against my chest. My legs felt like rubber, and my entire body was a puddle of goo.

  “I’m sorry, love. Did it hurt too much?” I ran my fingers through her hair, rubbing her scalp.

  “Not too much. I don’t think I’ve ever come so hard in all my life. Damn. Kind of threw me for a loop.”

  “So we can do it again?” I asked with a grin on my face.

  “Not now.”

  “I know, babe. Someday?” I wanted to make sure I didn’t shut that door forever. It’s too good to wall it up and never be granted access again.

  “Someday.” She still hadn’t moved and I watched her chest move up and down as her breathing slowed.

  “I don’t want to go home tomorrow,” she said stroking my legs.

  “Me either, but we’ll go away and do something before the baby is born.” I knew life would never be the same once the bundle of joy arrived. No more days or nights of marathon sex; they would be filled with feedings and diaper changes.

  She rubbed her stomach resting her hands across her abdomen. “I can’t believe I’m pregnant. The doctor always made me think it would almost be impossible.”

  My life seemed to be filled with the impossible becoming reality. I was happy about the upcoming birth of our child; it brought us together and sealed our future that I was too chicken shit to face.

  “We have so much to do.” My mind would become so overwhelmed when I thought about all the things we needed to do to get ready for it. We didn’t know the sex, and we didn’t want to know. I, we, wanted to be surprised – it should end like it started.

  “One step at a time; we’ll be ready.”

  I placed my hand on her belly and could feel her heartbeat. There was a tiny piece of us alive inside her, and I was in awe. I don’t think my mind would truly be able to comprehend the reality until I held the baby in my arms. “You got to stay clean, Danielle.” I know I didn’t have to say the words to her, but I couldn’t help myself.

  “I know, but I can’t do it without you. We both have to stay clean.” She looked up at me with pleading eyes.

  “I will.” I meant those words. It had been years since I lead a clean lifestyle, but for the future of my child and my family, I would try my hardest. Danielle drifted off to sleep in my arms against my skin. I moved her off me and put a pillow under her head. She looked so peaceful, and the hard living disappeared off her face during sleep. I rubbed my fingers across her belly and put my face up to
her stomach. I had so much to say, so much I wanted this baby to know.

  “Daddy loves you. I’ll be the daddy you deserve,” I needed to get my shit together and get my addictions in check. “I can’t wait to meet you, but take your time.” I laughed quietly with those words. I lay down next to her body and pulled her into my arms. I laid her back against my front and held her stomach until I drifted off to sleep. Life was looking up for the first time in longer than I could remember.

  Danielle and I cleaned up our acts after we found out we were going to be parents; we helped each other through withdrawal and the cravings. When I thought my life had finally turned around – God had other plans. Who knows why things happen in life? Is there an ultimate plan, is it written in the stars and are we predestined? I don’t know about any of that bullshit, but I know we have no control over our lives at times. Even the best laid plans can fall apart and lay in tatters at our feet.

  First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes… ~ Danielle

  Danielle looked so small and breakable lying in the hospital bed. She was asleep or passed out from the medication that was still coursing through her system. My heart was broken. I thought I’d experienced loss in my life, but it was a piece of me, a piece of us that died tonight. I didn’t have any memories to look back on, no joyful moments filled with kisses, nothing – just emptiness.

  She called me at work hysterical that something was wrong and that she was bleeding heavily. She was at the end of her trimester. Long enough for us to both fall head over heels in love with idea of being parents. We started to buy clothes, blankets, and all the little things you need when a baby’s on the way. We already planned and dreamed of what life would be like in six short months.

  I’d lost friends and family in my life, but nothing cut a hole in my heart like the loss of a child, my child. The loss of a vision, a dream felt something entirely more, something soul destroying. I know at first I was scared shitless about this baby, but in this moment, I felt nothing but complete loss and utter sadness.

  “Mr. Michaels.” A voice behind me pulled me out of my emptiness. I turned to face the doctor with a deep exhale. There really was nothing more to be said. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

  “Thank you for your kindness, doctor. How’s my wife?” I asked.

  “She’ll recover, but the trauma of losing a child will take her some time to deal with.” I was traumatized, and the baby wasn’t even inside of me; I couldn’t imagine what she’d feel when she finally came to. “She’ll be able to get pregnant again. There’s no permanent damage.” It’s a funny phrase – no permanent damage. Maybe not in the physical sense, but my heart had a chunk removed that I’d never get back. “Wait a couple of months before trying again.”

  We didn’t try this time, and eventually, I looked at it as a blessing; now, it was an event I couldn’t wipe from my memory. “Okay, thank you. When can I take her home?”

  “Give her today to rest and make sure there are no other issues; you should be able to take her home tomorrow.”

  I shook my head at a loss for words; something I’ve rarely experienced. I couldn’t keep thanking him. It wasn’t a joyful event, and I had nothing to be thankful for, except for Danielle. I walked away from him and towards my wife, my life. I sat in the chair next to her bed and held her hand. I rested my head on the bed and ran my hand across her now hollow abdomen. I needed to be strong for her. I needed to be her shoulder to cry on; she was more important than me.

  I stared at her, waiting for her to wake up. Would the right words come to me in that moment? I hoped they did. Most would pray in this moment, but the words I had for God, if there’s one, weren’t pretty. I had no baby to whisper to while mommy slept; it was only her and I.

  Her hand squeezed my finger, and I looked at her. Tears were streaming down her face, but no sound escaped her lips. I wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Kayden, the baby?” Danielle asked.

  “Shhh, sweetheart.” I crawled in bed and held her in my arms. “They couldn’t save the baby; it was too little, D.” I held her face against my chest and let her weep. She wailed, and the tears soaked my shirt, but I never let go of her.

  “It’s my fault. I did something wrong,” she cried. I held her tighter not wanting to let go.

  “You did nothing wrong. Don’t say such crazy things. It just happened, love.” I rocked her as she wept.

  Tears led to exhaustion as she fell asleep against my chest. I feared the sadness would ruin us, drive us back down into addiction. I knew I was on the edge and craving something, anything to forget and dull the sadness I couldn’t escape.

  I stayed with Danielle in the hospital that night. I couldn’t go home to an empty space and look at the baby stuff lying around the house. I knew the sadness would lead to drinking, and I couldn’t go there now because Danielle needed me. I called my mom and asked her to go to our place and put any baby items in the nursery. I didn’t want Danielle to see it when she walked through the door. We’d have to face it eventually. I just didn’t want it to be the first thing she saw when she walked through the door. I didn’t want it to be the first thing I saw; the thought of it made my stomach hurt.

  Danielle was almost catatonic, answering in one syllable words and short phrases and not holding a conversation on the drive home. I helped her inside and thought about the vision I had of one day walking through the same door as a family, but it had vanished.

  She looked around the apartment, “Where’s the baby stuff?” She looked to be panicked.

  “It’s still here. It’s all in the bedroom.” I couldn’t use the word nursery. It wasn’t one anymore; it was a bedroom just like it was before Danielle ever came into my life. She pulled away from me, “No, D, don’t go in there now.”

  She didn’t answer me and walked straight into the bedroom and crumpled in the center of the room. I wrapped my arms around her. She grabbed a teddy bear off the chair and held it and rocked back and forth. I didn’t know how to deal with the situation or what to do for her. I just let her cry and feel the sadness she needed to.

  When her crying slowed, and she became limp in my arms, I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. She stared at me as I started to remove her clothes while she sat on the edge of the bed. “Come on, baby doll. You need some rest. Let’s get you out of these clothes.”

  “Don’t leave me,” she said with a broken voice.

  I held her face in my hand, “I’m not going anywhere, Danielle. You’re mine, my wife, everything I have in this world. I’ll always be here for you.” She wrapped her arms around me and held on to be so tightly she almost choked me.

  “In the bed, come on.” I pulled her arms away from my neck and helped her lay down. I removed my clothes, letting them fall to the floor in a heap with hers. I climbed in next to her and wrapped my body around her, enveloping her in my warmth and love.

  My mom stayed with Danielle the first couple of days when I went back to work. She never really liked Danielle and didn’t agree with her line of work; my mom wanted a June Cleaver type for a daughter-in-law, but those weren’t the ones who I lusted after. My mom put her feelings aside and wanted to be there for us; she’d lost a grandchild and mourned with us.

  Danielle had changed. The funny spitfire I’d known before she had dreams of booties and bottles. The connection we had before, the electricity that filled our relationship was only a flicker. Everything between us seemed strained as we tried to put our life back together. I didn’t know how to fix the fracture that formed in our bond. Weeks passed slowly, and everything was stagnant. Something needed to change… I held on to every shred of hope I had that we’d survive. A month passed, and she was a shell of her former self.

  “I want to move, Kayden… I hate it here.” I was thrown for a loop. She never expressed those feelings before, and I didn’t know how to respond.

  “You do?” I didn’t know if she meant another apartment or a different city.

  “I want to get th
e fuck out of Cleveland. I need a change. There are too many memories and temptations.”

  I sat there and stared at her. “Where do you want to go?”

  “I don’t care, out of state. A fresh start for us.” She sat down next to me on the couch. “I need this. I can’t walk into this apartment anymore. I think of the baby and all the happy memories we would’ve had and never will.”

  “Okay, sweetheart. I don’t know where we’ll go or what I’ll do. We have to be able to survive.”

  “My friend, Trish, called yesterday while you were at work. Her husband is the manager for a cable company, and they’re looking for installers. You’d be a contractor and basically be your own boss. She said there’s a lot of money in it. We should go there.”

  “St. Louis? What the hell is in St. Louis?” I asked. I had dreams of Florida and warmth, not another Midwestern state covered in snow.

  “All I know is it’s not here, and you’d have a job waiting for you.”

  How could I say no? There really was nothing to hold us here. My mom had Joe and his family, and Danielle hadn’t talked to her mother in ages. The rotten woman never even bothered to come around when we lost the baby. She didn’t give a fuck about her daughter.

  “I guess we can go there, if that’s what you want.”

  “I want it, and I’m not going to change my mind either.” She looked at me with a face of stone. I didn’t have a reason to change her mind. If it didn’t work out, we could go back to Cleveland; it would always be our home.

  “I’ll call her husband and find out about the job. See if it’s really worth going to St. Louis, okay?”

  “Yes. You’ve made me happy today, Kayden.” I wanted to make her happy every day, but it was exhausting lately.

  Danielle and I made love that day for the first time since the loss of our baby. It was slow, gentle, and face-to-face. I needed that physical connection with her, the hole in my heart closed a little. I loved my wife and would go to the moon and back for her, but I was just as heart broken and damaged as her.