Guilty Sin Read online

  “I don’t know.”

  “Mr. North,” a woman said behind me.

  Nya and I turned together, clutching each other tightly as if we were the only thing keeping the other upright.

  “Yes?” My voice trembled, sounding foreign and unlike myself. I always possessed confidence when I spoke. I always had my shit together.

  But then, I’d never loved someone the way I loved Alese. I’d never worried about losing anything in my life before because I spent most of my years alone. Alese changed that. She came along at a time when I wasn’t looking for anyone. She kind of fell into my lap when I least expected to find someone, and as they said…the rest was history.

  The woman held a clipboard tightly against her chest, clutching it the same way I was holding on to Nya. “Can you follow me please?”

  I glanced down, and Nya was staring up at me with wide eyes like I had all the answers and could make everything better. Which I couldn’t, but she didn’t know that yet.

  “Come on, doll. I’m sure she’s fine.” I told that lie like I was a professional bullshitter because the words slid off my tongue like honey.

  Nya stayed attached to me with her arm around my back as we followed the woman in the blue scrubs still holding the clipboard through a bustling hallway to a tiny room.

  “Where’s Alese?” I asked as we entered the nondescript room with nothing but a few chairs and a small table.

  “Please sit.” She motioned toward the chairs before closing the door and sitting across from us.

  Nya sat next to me with one hand on my leg and the fingers on the other one intertwined with mine. Neither of us spoke. What was there to say at a time like this? We didn’t dare speak the words or fears we both felt. Saying them made it true or possible, and neither of us had the ability to face what came next.

  “I’m Dr. Hughes. I thought it was best we talk in private before I take you in to see Ms. Winters.”

  “Doctor, be straight with us. Where’s Alese?”

  She cleared her throat as she placed the clipboard on the table next to her. “She’s comfortable at the moment. You’re listed as her emergency contact and next of kin so I can speak openly about her condition, but please know she has a DNR in place.”

  I jerked back in my chair, and Nya tightened her fingers around mine as she gasped. Alese had not told me about having a Do Not Resuscitate order in place. We’d never talked about things like what we wanted if something should happen to us, but I didn’t know she had a plan in place.

  “Ms. Winters’s body sustained numerous injuries from the impact. Before we knew about her DNR, we resuscitated her when she arrived in the ER. We’ve been able to stabilize her as much as possible, but she’s in grave condition.”

  “Speak English, Doc.” My brain couldn’t process all the terms. I still couldn’t believe I was sitting here, hearing that Alese was possibly going to die. She already had once, I guessed, but they were able to bring her back.

  “Ms. Winters has a punctured lung, a broken leg, and internal bleeding.”

  I didn’t move. I couldn’t speak, and breathing became difficult. Nya sobbed at my side, holding my hands so tightly my fingers started to tingle, but none of it mattered.

  “We need to do surgery to find and stop the bleeding before we can begin to address her other injuries, but the likelihood she’ll survive is slim, Mr. North.”

  The doctor said everything so matter-of-factly, like she was telling me about her plans for the evening. I was sure she’d done this a thousand times, dropped bad news in laps of other loved ones, but this was something I’d never experienced. The coldness in the way the news was given had me in as much shock as the realization that Alese could very well die.

  “If she survives, her recovery will be long and extensive. She might never be able to walk again, and if she does, it will be well over a year before she would be fully mobile again.”

  The sadness left me, replaced by anger. Anger at the doctor. Anger at the driver. Anger at the world. “I don’t care. I just want my girl back. Do whatever you can to save her life.”

  She stood, grabbing that goddamn clipboard before she straightened. “I’ll bring you back to see her now while we prep for surgery.”

  “Thank you.”

  We followed her out of the tiny room, back into the hallway that teemed with life. Nya held on to me, practically climbing up my body as she cried.

  The doctor stopped outside a room, motioning for us to go in, but I wasn’t ready. I turned to Nya and held her by the shoulders, moving her away from me a little. “Nya, listen to me.”

  She gazed up at me with her swollen face and red eyes, unable to hold back the tears. She didn’t speak, but she nodded that she was listening.

  “We have to hold our shit together for Alese. Do you understand? We can’t scare her.”

  She dropped her head, staring at the floor as her tears plopped on the floor near her feet. “I can’t go in there, Ret. I can’t see her like that.”

  I gripped her shoulders tighter and closed my eyes for a moment. “Stay out here. Let me talk to my girl first. If she seems okay, I’ll come get you.”

  “Go,” she said softly.

  I released my grip on her and turned my back. I took a deep breath and tried to remember my training from the military to calm myself down, but it didn’t work. I was prepared for battle. Send me into hostile territory armed to the hilt, and I could stay level-headed without my hand shaking even a little. But this… This was new territory and one I wasn’t sure I was ready to face.

  18

  Ret

  The only sound in the room was the beeping of her monitors, telegraphing her labored breaths and unsteady heart rate. I pressed her hand to my face, taking in her scent and the sweetness that had been the only true home I’d ever known.

  Lying in the bed, she seemed so weak and small, but Alese had never been either of those things before, and it didn’t feel right. She barely moved as I swept my lips across her skin, closing my eyes and soaking in her softness against me.

  She woke up for a moment when I first walked in, staring at me with her big, wide blue eyes before they fluttered closed again. The nurse had told me they had her on a ton of pain killers and drugs to keep her sedated because it was important for her to stay calm.

  I tried to keep the fear off my face. I tried to keep my shit together and not let the tears that were threatening to fall overtake me. The last thing I wanted was for her to open her eyes and see me a complete mess. I had always been Alese’s rock, and I wasn’t about to change now. She needed me to be stronger than I’d ever been, but I wasn’t sure how long I could keep up the façade.

  I wanted to crawl into bed with her, pull her into my arms, and make her better. It took everything in me to restrain myself from doing just that because I wanted to heal her. I wanted to save her life.

  Her hands, arms, and face were covered in scratches and bruises like she’d been in a bar brawl and had come out on the losing end. But I knew the real injuries, the life-threatening ones, hid beneath the surface and were tucked neatly beneath the blankets covering her tattered body.

  I placed my mouth next to her ear and set one arm above her head, softly stroking her golden hair as I stared at my girl. “I love you, piccola,” I whispered without my voice cracking. “Don’t give up. I’m not ready to let you go.”

  But then I realized I’d never be ready for that day. Things like this, shitty events and near-death experiences, made a person realize how precious and fragile life truly was.

  “Son.” My dad’s voice filled the space between the beeps, but I couldn’t bring myself to face him.

  I couldn’t take my eyes off Alese because, any minute now, they’d take her from me. “Pop.”

  His footsteps were heavy as he crossed the gray linoleum flooring and rested his hand on my shoulder. “Alese,” he said softly with a hard squeeze.

  “It’s not good, Pop.”

  “Nya filled m
e in.” He took a deep breath, probably on the verge of tears just like I was. The man acted tough, but I knew, underneath, he was a big pile of feelings. He didn’t always talk about them, but they lingered, hidden away to maintain his tough-guy persona. “The doctors are outside, and they said they’re about to take her down for surgery.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut, not ready to let her go even though I knew it was her only hope of surviving. How could you say goodbye to someone when you weren’t sure you’d ever see them again?

  “Gimme a minute.”

  His hand tightened on my shoulder before his footsteps grew softer, the door closing behind him. I buried my face in her hair, placing my lips near her ear, and inhaled every drop of Alese I could. “Come back to me, Alese. If you can’t, I’ll understand and I’ll love you forever, but fight.”

  I wanted to hear her say my name. I wanted to hear the laughter I’d grown to love. I wanted to relive the moment we kissed each other goodbye this morning. I wanted everything I couldn’t have at that moment.

  When the door opened behind me, I knew what it meant. My time was up, and Alese’s fight was just beginning. “I love you,” I whispered in her ear again. “I love you, Alese.”

  “Mr. North,” the doctor said as she entered the room. “We’re ready for Alese now.”

  I wanted to tell her to fuck off because I wasn’t ready to let her go, but I had to man up and I knew this was the only way I’d get my girl back. I kissed her cheek, careful not to hurt her but hard enough that I hoped she felt it too.

  “There’s a surgical waiting room downstairs, and we’ll keep you updated on her progress.”

  I stared down at Alese as I stood from the chair beside her bed. Her body was so broken, with her injuries clearly evident all over her skin. The road rash, the bruises, the blood that covered almost every inch of her body.

  “She’s in good hands, and we’ll do everything possible to save her life.” I knew the doctor’s words were meant to calm me and give me hope, but they did neither.

  I didn’t move. I couldn’t make myself walk away. I wanted to stand over her in the operating room, watching as they saved her life. A team of people entered the room and started to prep her bed for the journey downstairs.

  “Son,” my dad said again, softer this time, the somberness in his voice unmistakable.

  I waited for them to wheel her out, watching as she disappeared behind my dad, before I took a step toward the doorway.

  I didn’t say anything to him as I stood at his side, staring down the corridor in total shock. My pop didn’t say anything either; each of us just as lost as the other. The sound of someone sobbing drew my attention away from Alese for a moment, and I found Nya huddled on the floor in tears.

  “Nya,” I said as my heart seized, not only for myself, but for her too. Alese and Nya had formed such a quick bond, and this would devastate her too. I reached down, pulling Nya to her feet and tucking her against me. I couldn’t save Alese, I couldn’t protect her, but I could be that person for Nya.

  Pop slid his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer. “Come on, Ret. The guys are on their way.”

  I followed his motion, moving down the hospital hallway in a haze. Nya gripped my hand tightly, clinging to me. “She’ll be okay,” I told Nya, but the words were more for me than for her.

  Alese had to be okay.

  For six long hours, I paced the waiting room, practically wearing a rut in the floor. The guys sat silently, filling the waiting room and refusing to leave. Every time the doors to the restricted area opened, my heart would jump because I thought it was an update on Alese. I’d badgered the poor nurse manning the desk outside at least twenty times for an update, but she always said they were still working on Alese and to be patient.

  Patience. Mine had worn out five hours ago. Somehow, I kept my cool, trying to maintain my strength and hopefulness. I’d begged Fran to take Nya home. She’d been through enough trauma in the last few months, and I worried that the added stress would push her over the edge. Nya refused to leave, though, and Fran wasn’t going to push her either.

  No one wanted to go. No matter how many times I told them they could go home, they refused to leave my side.

  “How ’bout something to eat?” Fran asked as her eyes followed me pacing back and forth for the thousandth time.

  “I’m good,” I told her because the last thing I cared about was eating.

  “You need to stay strong for her.”

  I nodded, but I didn’t miss a beat as I continued my steps. If I stopped, I thought too much. If I walked, I stayed focused, picturing Alese well again and in my arms.

  “The doc’s coming,” Pop said, motioning toward the doorway with his chin.

  I stalked toward her, barely letting her step foot in the waiting room before I spoke. “Is she okay?”

  She pulled the cap from her head and wiped her forehead with the back of her hand. I was on pins and needles, unable to move even in the slightest.

  “We were able to stabilize her. She’s a fighter, that’s for sure. She has a long road to recovery and she’s not out of the woods entirely, but we’ve stopped the bleeding and she’s in the recovery room.”

  I clutched my chest, finally letting out the air I’d been holding in my lungs. I had expected to hear bad news, figured the universe was trying to pay me back for something I’d done in the past.

  “Thank God,” I groaned, feeling like the weight of the world was finally off my shoulders.

  “We’ll know more in a day or so.”

  I stepped forward, wanting to get to Alese as soon as possible. “Can I see her?”

  “She’s in recovery right now. When she’s ready, we’ll let you see her, but she may be moved to her room first.”

  “Thank you,” I said and finally smiled.

  When the doctor walked out of the room, I turned to face my family. The ladies were in tears, and the guys were shaking their heads and holding their women tightly. Moments like this made us remember how fragile life really was and how quickly everything could change.

  19

  Nya

  2 weeks later…

  “Please go to work,” Alese begged Ret from the couch. “I have Nya. I’ll be fine.” She tried to move and winced.

  Ret practically leaped across the coffee table and placed his hands under her arms to help her. “I can’t leave you here like this.”

  She’d been home from the hospital a week and hadn’t had a minute alone. Even when I was with her, he’d be standing nearby, ready to swoop in and save her in case of some major tragedy.

  “Nya will watch me.”

  His watchful eyes turned to me, and I smiled, shifting nervously on my feet. “I’ll take good care of her. I swear.”

  “The guys don’t need me back yet.”

  Alese rolled her eyes as she tried to adjust her leg on the pillow beneath it. “That’s not what Izzy said.”

  Ret snarled and turned his head. “You two talking about me?”

  I was about to run into my bedroom and hide because Alese wasn’t going to back down, and I was afraid Ret wasn’t going to either.

  “Go back to work, Ret. Please. I can only take so much mothering. You’re worse than Fran sometimes.”

  I inched backward, knowing she’d just threw down something Ret didn’t want to hear. Fran was divine and one of the sweetest people I’d ever met, but she was a hawk, always circling above everyone and micromanaging.

  “You didn’t.” He stepped forward, shaking his head, and waved his arms. “I can’t believe you just said that to me.”

  “I need some normalcy, baby. Go to work. Let us have a girls’ day—unless you want a mani-pedi too.”

  “Nya.”

  I swallowed down my laughter and straightened my face because he already looked like he was about to blow his top. “Yeah?”

  He pinned me with his stare, his turquoise eyes burning. “You call me if anything happens. I mean anything. Got me?�
�

  “Yes, Sir.” I nodded quickly, but I didn’t dare crack a smile.

  “If shit goes south, you won’t get me out of here again until you’re fully recovered.”

  Alese waved her hands toward the door as he stared her down. “We’ll be fine. Go.”

  “Fine,” he said, walking toward her and not out like she’d hoped. He leaned forward, brushing his lips across her forehead before gazing into her eyes. “I love you, piccola. Don’t overdo it today.”

  “I’ll be right here. It’s pretty hard to overdo it when I can only move my hands.” She smiled up at him before pulling his face down to hers. “Kiss me for real.”

  Ret didn’t hesitate as he pressed his lips against hers, soft at first like he was afraid he could break her. I didn’t know if he even realized he’d been treating her with kid gloves since the moment we got home from the hospital, but I was sure, even if I pointed it out, he wouldn’t give a damn.

  She pushed against his chest when he lingered a little too long, the kiss growing deeper as he tried to sidetrack her. We both knew his game, and although he thought he was the boss, Alese always found a way to set his ass straight.

  “Go,” she said once again, finally pushing him hard and far enough that his lips drifted away from hers.

  He growled, moving slowly as he straightened but kept his eyes locked on her. “I’m going. I’ll check in every hour.”

  “I have no doubt.” She shook her head and laughed. “I’m not going to tell you again,” she warned after he still hadn’t started toward the door.

  He grumbled something before snagging his keys off the counter and finally walking toward the door. Alese and I stared at each other, waiting for the familiar click as he closed the door behind him.

  We both took a deep breath and sighed, finally alone again without Ret staring at us both.