Guilty Sin Read online

  “It’s not that bad,” he said after I didn’t open my eyes and started getting light-headed. “Look.”

  Slowly, I opened my eyes, but instead of glancing down at the cut, I looked at Ret. I watched his face change, the hardness of earlier replaced by something almost resembling softness. His hair had grown longer in the last few months, falling over his face and hiding his eyes as he dabbed my finger with a cotton ball.

  “You need to keep this clean until it heals a bit.”

  I was about to say something snarky, but I bit my lip when his eyes met mine.

  “The gel I used will relieve some of the pain for a few hours, and we can apply more later.” He wrapped a Band-Aid around my finger, pressing gently on the material. “Tomorrow, this is going to be sore, though, but you don’t need stitches.”

  I nodded, staying silent and moving my eyes between him and my finger. He set his hands on my knees, searing me with his touch even if it wasn’t sexual in any way. I hadn’t touched another person or been touched by anyone since Alese’s funeral. Any relationship he and I had before was gone, replaced by a platonic roommate situation.

  When he stalked back toward his bedroom, leaving me on the counter with the remnants of what happened, the tears fell harder and easier.

  I missed the strong man who pulled me from Diego’s cage. I missed the playful laughter of him and Alese. Most of all…I missed my friend.

  Deleted Chapter – Ret

  Leaning over the bed, I covered my face with my hands and felt like a complete asshole. I should’ve stayed in the kitchen with Nya and made sure she was okay, but I couldn’t wrestle with the storm that was brewing inside me

  For a week, I’ve tried to pack away Alese’s things, telling myself she wasn’t coming back. But I couldn’t do it. Removing her clothes and even the pair of earrings from the nightstand made everything real, and I wasn’t ready for that…not yet.

  Two months ago, people stopped asking if I needed help. Every time they did, I practically bit their heads off. There was no right or wrong amount of time for a person to grieve, but I had to pull my head out of my ass soon before I alienated everyone.

  I could hear Nya’s soft cries coming from the kitchen as I balled my hand into a fist against my leg. The fragrance of her perfume still lingered in the air around me from touching her. I craved the smell, because it was the same perfume Alese wore, although the aroma was on Nya. I wasn’t sure if having Alese’s scent all over the house was therapeutic or verged on torture.

  “Ret,” Nya said on the other side of the door before knocking.

  I straightened, resting my elbows on my knees and shaking out my fingers to get the bad juju to go away. There wasn’t any escaping the feeling, the despair and longing I felt for the woman I loved.

  I always had to retain control.

  Always.

  My entire life was about planning, acting, and being disciplined. From being in the military to bounty hunting, I didn’t have time to leave anything to chance. But right now, without Alese, nothing made sense, and I had no discipline.

  “Ret,” she said again when I didn’t reply.

  I squeezed my fingers into a ball again before releasing them. I needed to get my shit together for my sake and Nya’s. She didn’t deserve my mood swings.

  “Yeah?”

  The door handle turned for a second before stilling. “Can I come in?”

  “Come in, Nya.” I forced a small smile on my face and somehow maintained the expression.

  The door creaked as she pushed it wide open and walked a few feet inside before stopping. “We need to talk,” she said, staring at the floor, her eyes hidden behind her hair.

  “Come.” I patted the mattress next to me, trying to be friendlier than I had been in months.

  She walked toward me, her feet moving slowly across the hardwood floor like she wasn’t sure she wanted to get too close to me. The bed barely dipped under her small weight as she adjusted herself and folded her hands in her lap.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I think I should leave,” she said, bringing her eyes to mine, filled with tears.

  Somehow, I remained still and didn’t change the expression on my face. Her words rocked me to the core. Even though Alese was gone, Nya kept me sane. Knowing she was there was enough to keep me from falling over the edge completely. “Why?”

  She turned toward me, our knees touching ever so slightly. “I think it’s best for both of us if I move out. I’m sure you’d rather be alone than have to deal with me every day.”

  Nothing about her statement was true, but I hadn’t done much in the last three months to make her believe or feel any differently. I took a deep breath and reached between us, cupping her hands in mine, careful not to put pressure on her injured finger. “Nya, the last thing in the world I want is for you to leave.”

  Her eyes widened. “You don’t?”

  “I don’t.” I shook my head slowly. “You’re the only thing keeping me from going crazy.”

  She blinked twice, staring at me with her big brown eyes. “But…”

  “I’m serious,” I said, interrupting her because she needed to know exactly how I felt. “I haven’t burned this house down to the ground because you’re around. Days when I want to smash everything inside this room, I don’t because you’re here. I need you here. I need you in my life to remind me that there’s still good.”

  “I don’t know.” She grimaced.

  I squeezed her hands, running my thumb across the soft skin on top, enjoying the feel of her a little more than I should. “Please don’t leave. Not yet.”

  “It hurts to be here,” she whispered.

  I closed my eyes for a moment, knowing every bit of that hurt all too well. “I won’t stop you from leaving, but please don’t go because you think that’s what I want.”

  “I miss her.”

  “I miss her too. I miss her more than anything I’ve ever missed before.”

  Saying the words and expressing how I felt was easier than before. Maybe because I knew Nya felt the same way. She might have only been around for a short time before Alese died, but that didn’t mean she didn’t feel anything at her death. Nya was the only person in the world who really had any idea about Alese’s and my true relationship. People knew about our kink and how we met, but no one had ever had a front row seat to everything like Nya.

  “Don’t leave now,” I begged, squeezing her hands a little tighter. “I can’t bear another loss.”

  I showed weakness, something I’d never been comfortable with before, but I’d do or say anything to make Nya stay.

  She furrowed her eyebrows as she gazed at me. “You’d miss me?”

  I smiled softly and kept my tone level yet soft. “Of course.”

  “I…” She swallowed and bowed her head. “I didn’t think you wanted me anymore.”

  Releasing her hand, I placed my fingers against her chin and lifted her eyes to mine. “You’re the only reason I wake up anymore, Nya. Without you, I don’t know what I’d do or where I’d be.” She stared at me, eyes unmoving as I swiped my thumb across her soft skin.

  “Alese loved you more than anyone in the world. She would want you to be happy, and so do I. We’ve been through so much, Ret. So, so much.”

  I smiled softly, almost sweetly, for the first time in months, wishing I could wipe away both our pain. “You’re not sleeping either, are you?”

  The shadowy circles under her eyes matched my own. Deep and dark, showing our grief to the world, and no amount of makeup Nya put on could hide it.

  She shook her head and closed her eyes. “I get a few hours here and there.”

  “Me too,” I sighed. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt normal. Sleep had eluded me since the day I’d kissed Alese goodbye.

  “Love,” I whispered as I sat down on a stool beside Alese’s body. I gripped her hand in mine, sweeping my other one down her soft, cool cheek. “Wake up.”

  I stare
d at her lifeless body, waiting for some sign of life, but nothing came. The panic that had started to set in gripped my entire frame, rocking my very foundation.

  I laid my lips against the top of her hand, kissing her skin softly and searching for her scent, but there was no trace. “You can’t leave me. I don’t know how to be without you anymore.”

  The tears came hard and fast, falling down my cheeks and landing on the sheets near her side. My life would never be the same. It couldn’t be without her. She was the light in my darkness. From the moment I met Alese, she brought me nothing but joy, showing me the true definition of unconditional love.

  “I’m nothing without you,” I whispered through my tears and placed my forehead near her stomach, gazing up at her beautiful, stoic face. “I love you, Alese. I love you so fucking much.”

  “Son,” my pop said before clearing his throat.

  I wanted to tell him to go away. I wanted everyone to leave me alone. There was no amount of time that would’ve been long enough for me to stay at her side. The thought of them taking her away to some cold, dark place for her to be left alone…wasn’t something I could bear or fathom. She needed to be with me, in my bed, at my side…alive. But she’d never be again.

  “Ret,” Nya said softly, pulling me back to the present. “Do you mind if I sleep in here tonight? I’ll even sleep in the chair, but I don’t want to be alone, and I’m exhausted.”

  I dropped my fingers from her chin and cupped her hands in mine. “You can sleep in the bed. Alese would have my balls if I made you sleep in a goddamn chair.”

  Exhausted didn’t even begin to describe how I felt anymore. I’d stopped living. I only existed, gliding through my days in a haze of grief and longing for far too long. One thing was for sure…Alese would want me to get my shit together and start living again.

  Deleted Chapter – Nya

  Ret rolled to his side and pulled me flush against his warm, hard body. I held my breath, worried that he’d wake up and release his grip on me, or worse, ask me to leave.

  He was asleep; his eyes hadn’t opened, and he probably had no idea he’d curled against me. I didn’t care if he thought he was holding Alese because it felt good to be touched, to be held, and not to be alone for another night. I turned my face on the pillow and stared at Ret in the darkness, taking in his handsome face at rest and in peace.

  I mourned the loss of Alese. She’d become my best friend so quickly, taking me under her wing without so much as a sideways glance or snide remark. But my heart ached for Ret. The dead have no grievances. They have no fear. They have no comprehension of time. The living are the lost. The ones surrounded by darkness, enveloped in the loneliness of living without truly feeling alive.

  Ret had transformed before my eyes. He was a strong man, filled with passion and dominance. But everything he was, the control he had, evaporated the moment she died.

  I couldn’t let him disappear. Alese wouldn’t want that for him. She wouldn’t want either of us to wallow in despair and stop living. I decided in that moment, while he held me in his arms, his heart beating steady and hard against my side, that I would help Ret to find joy again…to bring him back to life.

  It was the least I could do after everything he and Alese did to help me. I’d thought I was dead. As I’d huddled in the cage below Diego’s bed, I’d never thought I’d step foot in the outside world again. I’d resigned myself to that reality. The day Ret rescued me, I couldn’t comprehend that I was truly free, and I wasn’t even sure what that word meant after being removed from society against my will for so long.

  “Baby,” Ret whispered and tightened his grip as he slept.

  I bit my lip as I gazed at him in the moonlight, trying not to cry and interrupt his momentary happiness. There was almost a smile on his face, a dream of someone other than me. So badly I wanted to touch his face, tracing the line of his jaw and the now permanent five-o’clock shadow he’d had for months, but I kept my hands to myself.

  I didn’t dare wake him. Dreams were an escape from reality. When I was with Diego, I lived for my dreams, begging for sleep to come every night. Those were the only moments of freedom and happiness I had to look forward to, and there was no way I’d steal that away from Ret.

  His warm, sweet breath skidded across my face as I lay next to him. I closed my eyes, wiping away everything. The sadness. The loss. I let myself just be as I was wrapped tightly in his arms.

  Moments later, Ret moved closer, his lips touching my cheek as they searched for my mouth. Not mine, but Alese’s, the woman he loved and was dreaming about. I knew what I was about to do was wrong, but that didn’t stop me because I needed this as much as he wanted it.

  I turned my face, giving him my mouth, and took what he offered. The caress of his lips against mine was intoxicatingly soft.

  * * *

  Hey. It’s me…Chelle. So, this is the spot where Renita had a fit and told me I couldn’t kill off Alese. I thought long and hard, wondering how you’d feel if she died.

  I gave you a reprieve and allowed her to live. It made for a happier story, at least. If you wished I killed her off…talk to Renita.

  I hope you loved Guilty Sin!

  Love,

  Chelle

  Acknowledgments

  I don’t even know what to write in this space. I’m sure I could come with a list a mile long, thanking everybody in the world in the creation of Guilty Sin…but I won’t.

  There are so many people who play some sort of role in helping an author create a new books. From the amazing cover designer, Lori Jackson—you nailed this one, to my fabulous editor, Lisa Hollett—you’re a saint, and right down to every readers and supporter.

  I can’t thank everyone enough for always being there for me. For being a kind ear or sending me a sweet message. I’m truly blessed to have each and every one of you in my life.

  It’s been a rough two years, but I don’t think I could’ve survived everything with you—my friends and readers—being there to cheer me on and lift my spirits.

  Your support and love mean the world to me.

  I have some big things planned this year and they’re booked I know you’re going to LOVE.

  So, settle in, buckle up, and be ready!