Guilty Sin Read online

  I nodded, unsure if I could trust his words, but I knew, as a doctor, he wasn’t legally allowed to share my information unless I gave him permission. But I’d seen my parents bully doctors into telling them things I didn’t want them to know. Dr. Valentine wasn’t my first shrink, after all. My parents had always tried to control me and usually enlisted a doctor to do it. That was why I went to college so far away; I needed to break free of their overprotective insanity.

  “I know,” I said softly, smoothing out my dress near my knees with my fingertips.

  He scribbled something on the notepad before bringing his eyes to mine again. “Do you blame yourself for what happened?”

  I shook my head, but I wasn’t one hundred percent truthful. I played a role in my captivity. Diego didn’t kidnap me off the street. I went willingly, giving myself to him, but I never thought he’d keep me from my family and society by locking me away in his bedroom.

  “Do you feel like harming yourself?”

  “No.” My response was swift. In no way had I ever thought of harming myself. Life had always been precious to me. Even at the worst moments, the ones where I let my mind drift away, I never wished for my life to end.

  He wrote something down, and it took everything in me to keep my ass planted in the seat and not rip the notebook clean out of his hand. I wondered if he was making a case to have me committed, or if all the answers I was giving him were wrong. “Am I broken?”

  “You’re much better than most who lived through the same experience. Although you’ve been through a horrific event, you don’t seem to have a fear of others or a distrust that many victims feel afterward.”

  “Doctor…” I paused, swallowing roughly and squeezing my hands into tight fists. “There’s only one man I fear, and he’s hundreds of miles away. I can’t imagine he’d come after me. He wouldn’t risk the possibility of being arrested. In Atlanta, he had the police on his payroll, but in Tampa, he has no pull. When we drove across the state line, I knew I was safe and that Diego could never hurt me again.”

  “Mr. North has never frightened you?”

  “Ret?” I gawked at the doctor because the question was laughable. “He saved my life, sir. Why would I be scared of him?”

  Ret was the person I trust most in the world. Maybe I was being naïve, but him and Alese had been nothing short of amazing to me. The way they treated each other was filled with respect and love. Something I wished I found with Diego.

  “There’s no right or wrong way to respond, Ms. Halstead. Fear is a powerful thing, and even in the best circumstances, it’s a very natural response after a traumatic event.”

  “Do you know about my lifestyle?” I asked, wondering if he was the right man to talk to me.

  Often the men my parents would hire to be my doctor didn’t have the slightest clue about the BDSM lifestyle, and they would judge me from the moment I walked in the room. I could never explain why being a submissive was a massive high or get them to understand about subspace.

  “I do. I’ve been in the lifestyle with my wife for the last twenty years.”

  I lifted my eyebrows, completely taken aback by that information. It shouldn’t have been surprising, but somehow it was.

  “So, I understand the level of trust involved in and out of the lifestyle.”

  I nodded. “I’ve been sitting here, trying to figure out a way to explain my feelings about what happened with Diego. I know I should be rocking in a corner somewhere, crying about the time I lost, but I don’t feel that way.”

  “There’s no one way to feel or respond in a situation like this.”

  “I know. The months I spent with Diego, I kept lying to myself, repeating over and over again that he was just playing out an extremely long and sometimes cruel scene. When he became rough, I’d let my mind drift and escape whatever he was doing to my body to keep myself sane. I knew it wouldn’t last forever. My parents have always stuck their noses where they didn’t belong, and I knew it was only a matter of time before they’d come looking for me.”

  “Did you find pleasure with Diego?”

  “Sometimes. But other times, when he was cruel, my body would respond even though I didn’t want it to.”

  “We can’t stop a natural response, Ms. Halstead.”

  “When I met Diego and we’d do scenes with each other at Charmed, he knew I loved pain just as much as pleasure. I think that’s why he picked me. He didn’t kidnap me from my house. I willingly moved in with him. In a way, I feel responsible for what happened to me.”

  “No matter how much you love pain or pleasure, no one has the right to hold you captive and keep you from those you love.”

  “Yes, sir. I know that. I knew that. Maybe if I were a normal girl who loved softness and had no concept of what BDSM was, I’d feel differently about the situation… Maybe I’d be committed at this point. But for the first time since I graduated from college, I feel like anything is possible, and I don’t plan to waste another moment of my life living in fear.”

  I refused to be a victim. There was no way I would let Diego steal any more of my life after the hell he put me through. Maybe I was insane for not feeling the right emotions after everything I’d been through. I knew I didn’t deserve what happened to me. No person, boyfriend, or Dom, had the right to steal my life because I loved to be spanked. Diego may have stolen some time, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to steal my life.

  9

  Ret

  Nya’s results were probably surprising to the others, but based on just the short amount of time I’d spent with her, I wasn’t shocked. Even after everything she’d been through, she didn’t seem afraid or fearful of me in any way, and I hadn’t found her in the fetal position covered in tears. The doctor wanted to see her for weekly sessions to check up on her for the next month, but he didn’t find her delusional or suffering from a psychotic break.

  “What should we watch?” Alese asked, scrolling through the on-demand video selection and passing half the things I wanted to watch.

  “That one,” I said as she scrolled over the latest action movie I’d been dying to see.

  She turned to me, raising an eyebrow, because she’d made it quite clear it was ladies’ night. “What do you want to watch, Nya?” she asked, ignoring me.

  “I’ve missed so many movies. You pick.”

  “Romantic or funny?”

  “Um,” Nya mumbled and twirled a strand of her brown hair around her finger. “I don’t care as long as it’s happy.”

  “Romantic it is, then.” Alese smiled and clicked on the only one I prayed she wouldn’t pick.

  The movie already looked sappy, with a couple almost embracing in the picture on the guide, and I knew the next two hours wouldn’t go by any faster than the rest of my day. Alese climbed onto the couch, placing herself between us, and made herself comfortable.

  “I heard this one is amazing. The guy…” Alese started.

  “Alese, don’t ruin this one,” I told her.

  She grunted, but she didn’t finish her sentence.

  Nya laughed at her side and hooked her arm with Alese’s like they’d been best friends for years. Alese rested her head on my shoulder and laced her fingers with mine. I placed my feet on the coffee table, sinking down into the couch and preparing for a long two hours, but it seemed to make the ladies happy. I couldn’t ask for anything more than a little peace and quiet.

  But as I sat there, watching the horror show on screen, I knew I was going to be in trouble. The cover lied, selling the movie as a happy story about love. The guy, who was in a horrible accident, then had to use a wheelchair, and the girl, who was his employee, had become attached to him.

  The girls were already sniffling, and I knew the worst was yet to come. The same thing happened when Alese made me watch that walking movie where the girl died of cancer at the end. She was a blubbering mess, and I’d caught her watching it again more than once because, I swear, the woman loves to torture herself.

  Nya gripped Alese tighter as the woman on screen pleaded with the man about his life after she fell in love with him. “How could he do that to her? What a selfish prick.”

  I understood the guy’s thinking. I mean, who wanted to live a life in pain, suffering and remembering what you had but could never have again. As a man, I totally understood and would’ve probably made the same decision. The guy had his mind made up before he ever knew she existed. He wasn’t being selfish, he was being realistic, and he knew what lay ahead for him if he didn’t do this.

  “I’d fucking rip off your balls,” Alese said, squeezing the skin near my knee so tightly, her fingernails almost broke the skin. “I’d straight up tear those fuckers off.”

  I didn’t speak because I wasn’t stupid. I was outnumbered and didn’t have a death wish. Right on cue, they both began to cry, finally letting their tears flow as the woman in the movie started to yell at the man about his choice.

  Tonight was supposed to be relaxing and fun, but by the way the two of them were wailing, I knew I was completely fucked. The entire night they’d be talking about this movie, half in tears and angry as hell. Maybe I’d go for a walk on the beach while they ranted about the choice the man made for his own happiness even if it meant he’d die.

  The woman stormed away, but when she came to her senses and the man went away to end his life, the girls cried harder.

  “I can’t believe he’s really going to go through with this,” Nya wailed and wiped away her tears that hadn’t stopped falling since they’d both realized where this story was going.

  “He’s an asshole.” Alese was pissed, but she’d picked this movie without bothering to find out what happened. “A selfish, greedy asshole.”

  “I understand him.”

  Alese turned to me, face covered in tears and full on glared at me with red eyes as she untangled her fingers from my grip. “The fuck you say?”

  I motioned toward the screen. “He doesn’t want to live that way or trap the girl either. He’s doing the least selfish thing in his mind.”

  “Fuckin’ men. He could live a lot longer, but he’s choosing to die.”

  “He’s choosing his own destiny…there’s a difference.”

  “Oh my God. I can’t watch.” Nya covered her face, leaving space between her fingers to see the screen.

  Alese interlaced her hand with Nya’s and returned her attention toward the television. I slung my arm around the back of the couch, settling in for a long-ass night with two emotional women because I sensed the next part of the movie would completely wreck them both.

  “Maybe he won’t go through with it,” Nya said.

  “Yeah. Maybe she’ll convince him to stay for her. I mean, love can make people do weird things.”

  I rolled my eyes, but I kept the words I had on the tip of my tongue bottled inside. I’d already gotten myself in enough trouble. The last thing I needed was to add more gasoline to their tear-fueled fire.

  As the man died, they cried harder. I squeezed Alese’s shoulder, trying to comfort her as I handed them both tissues.

  “That was so…” Nya’s voice trailed off as she blew her nose.

  “Beautiful,” Alese said, finishing Nya’s sentence like they were on the same wavelength.

  What I’d hoped would be an evening with some laughs and maybe drinks down on the beach turned into an emotionally charged evening with half a box of tissues being demolished and the girls with such stuffy noses they couldn’t pronounce anything correctly.

  Alese pushed herself off the couch, clutching the used tissues in her fists. “I need wine. Lots of wine.”

  “’Cause that always helps you stop crying.” I couldn’t stop myself from saying it. I knew I should’ve kept my mouth shut, but sometimes I couldn’t help myself.

  She placed her hands on her hips, staring down at me with puffy, angry eyes. “I cried once when I drank wine. Once.”

  I jumped up from the couch, needing a drink myself. “I’ll get the drinks and meet you on the beach.”

  Alese wasn’t in the mood for any type of humor, and having her tipsy-sad was better than pissed off. By the time I got down to the beach, Alese and Nya had spread out a blanket and lit a few candles near the waterline.

  “Thank God.” Alese plucked the bottle and wineglasses from my hands and placed them on the blanket in front of her, filling them quickly. “I need this. I’ve been wound so tightly lately, and that movie did nothing to help.”

  Nya took a wineglass and dropped her gaze. “Is it my fault?”

  “Sweetheart,” Alese said and placed her hand on Nya’s leg, “it’s not your fault.”

  “I showed up, and now you’re stressed out.”

  Alese lifted Nya’s glass to her mouth, nudging it toward her lips. “Drink your wine.”

  I stayed silent, sipping my whiskey, and watched them. I felt like they needed to discuss whatever was going on, and maybe Alese would have an easier time opening up to Nya and vice versa.

  Nya stared over the rim of her glass as Alese continued talking. “Sometimes I need a really good session to get out of my head. Ret and I haven’t been to our club for a while, and I think I’m due for a good old-fashioned ass-whupping.”

  “Baby, I’m ready when you are,” I teased with a playful grin.

  There was nothing I liked more in the world than playing with my girl. If she wanted her ass spanked, I wasn’t going to tell her no. I’d do anything she wanted, fulfilling her every fantasy and meeting every sexual desire she could dream up.

  “Oh. I used to be like that. Well, before…”

  “I’m sorry,” Alese said, frowning. “That was insensitive of me.”

  “No. No.” Nya shook her head and tried to pull off a smile. “I totally understand. I looked forward to going to the club. Sometimes I’d just watch, especially before I met him.”

  Catching her watching us through the door totally made sense now. She was a voyeur. I think everyone in the world had a little voyeur in them, but some people got off on watching more than others.

  Alese’s face lit up. “Oh my God. I love watching too. There’s something so erotic about seeing two people fucking. Jesus.” She fanned her face with her hand. “You should totally come with us if you want. You know, if it wouldn’t give you nightmares. I’m sure Ret could get you a temporary membership.”

  “I don’t know,” Nya said, glancing at me with red cheeks.

  “I can make it happen, but only if Nya wants to go and you’re one hundred percent okay with inviting another person with us.”

  “She’s not just another person, Ret. Nya can stay with us all night, even,” Alese told her.

  I raised my eyebrows, shocked that Alese would allow someone to watch us have a session. We’d never had anything but a private room and never invited another person in to watch. “You sure about that?” I asked.

  “It’s Nya. Of course I’m sure. If she wants to stay in the common area and watch other people, she can, but if she’s too afraid, she can come into our room too.”

  I grunted before I took a sip of whiskey.

  “I don’t have to,” Nya said quickly.

  Alese gave me a look like I was fucking shit up and needed to set things straight. “We’d love for you to come, Nya. I’m just surprised at Alese’s openness. It has nothing to do with you. I used to scene only in public before I met her. I’m not afraid of you seeing what we do.”

  “Well…” Nya licked her lips and looked at Alese. “I have to be honest with you, Alese.”

  Alese’s eyebrows drew down as she tilted her head, waiting for whatever Nya had to confess. “Okay.”

  “So, the other night…”

  “Yeah?”

  Nya twisted the wineglass in her hands and took a deep breath. “I was walking by your bedroom. I heard noises, and I may have looked inside and saw you two having…” Nya dropped her voice “…sex.”

  “You watched us?”

  “Yeah.” Nya nodded slowly.

  “For how long?”

  “Just a few minutes,” she said and grimaced.

  “Well, then why are we even talking about this? You’ve seen me naked, so going to the club is no big deal.”

  “Well, if you don’t…”

  Alese touched Nya’s arm and glanced over at me. “We’d love for you to come with us if you’re up to going.”

  “I’m up for anything as long as I’m with you two.” Nya smiled, but this time, it was genuine.

  I polished off my drink and was about to say something I never thought I would from the day I’d met Alese. “Then it’s settled. I’ll call ahead and reserve a room for the three of us.”

  I knew this was opening a proverbial can of worms, but if Alese wanted it and Nya was into it, I was down for anything.

  10

  Nya

  My stomach fluttered as we walked toward their bedroom. Alese held my hand, peering at me over her shoulder every few steps to help calm my fears.

  I asked for this. I wanted what was about to happen, but that didn’t make the entire thing any less scary.

  After seeing Alese and Ret together and the kiss on the beach, I wanted to remember what it felt like to be touched by someone other than Diego. Ret and Alese offered something different, something gentle and sweet. I may have only known them for a few days, but touching them…kissing them, was no different than meeting someone at a club and spending the evening with them.

  No. That wasn’t entirely true.

  They weren’t complete strangers to me. I’d watched them closely since I stepped foot in their home and saw nothing but love and respect between them. Both Alese, for all her craziness, and Ret, with his macho bravado, had a side that called to me.

  I’d thought Diego would be that for me. I thought he was the one who would sweep me off my feet and shower me with so much love, all while feeding my sexual needs, that I’d never be with another person. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

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