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  I ground my teeth together, annoyed I’d suddenly become a bumbling idiot around him. I stalked off toward the woods across the clearing, trying to put as much distance between myself and the half-naked Kane as I possibly could. For what felt like the hundredth time, I had to remind myself that Kane and I would never happen. Kane wasn’t feeling me like that, and I supposed he never would. But damn, what a fucking view he gave me.

  “On it,” I called out with one hand in the air, unable to face him and thankful for a little break.

  We consumed almost an entire bottle of Jack Daniel’s as the cold of night started nipping at our skin. The stars sparkled above our heads, dotting the colorless sky as the fire crackled near our feet. The time had passed quickly between prepping our camp for the night and making dinner. The mountain was peaceful, yet loud with the riot of wildlife moving around us, hidden in the deep brush but making their presence known.

  “Kane.”

  “Yeah, Kit?”

  “Do you think there’s something after this?”

  Since Jess had died, I hadn’t been able to think of much else. Besides whatever was happening between Kane and me, I thought about what happened to us after we left this place. Is our life only a small part of our journey, or after our eyes close for the very last time, is it infinite blackness, much like the sky above our heads?

  “After the mountain?”

  Turning my face toward him, I rolled my eyes and smacked his side. He knew exactly what I meant, but Kane never liked to get too heavy, and we’d avoided all discussion of my cousin’s death besides the list. “I’m being serious now.”

  He rubbed his fingers against his forehead and faced me. “I don’t know, Kit. I wish I had all the answers for ya.”

  “What if there’s nothing afterward?”

  The very thought was paralyzing. I never claimed to be a holy roller, but the possibility of something more, something bigger, had made dealing with loss easier somehow.

  “Then you won’t know any different.” His hand covered mine, giving my fingers a light squeeze. “There’s no point in fearing the inevitable and pondering what we aren’t meant to understand.”

  “It’s not that easy.”

  Men seemed to have an easier time with death and the unknown. Maybe they were genetically coded that way. I let fear rule me, sometimes paralyzing me from doing what I wanted because I was too chickenshit of the consequences.

  “Don’t let fear rule you,” he said, seeming to read my thoughts. I hated when he did that. Kinda loved it too. “That road is a bad one to travel. It’ll suck you up. Consume you entirely if you let it. Concentrate on what’s in front of you and shut everything else out.”

  I laced my fingers with his, tethering myself to what was in front of me or, in this case, at my side. I rolled over and propped myself up on my elbow. “It’s hard to shut everything else out when I have this list hanging over my head.”

  His gaze didn’t leave mine as he remained flat on his back, one arm tucked under his head. “We’re working on the list, Kit. Soon you’ll be done and can focus on something else.”

  “Are you going to help me with everything?”

  He sat up, breaking our connection, and stared down at me. “I’ll help you with what I can. The kiss, though. I don’t…”

  “Shh,” I said, pushing myself upward. “The kiss is done. So, hush.”

  His eyes flashed with confusion or maybe it was recognition, but I clearly saw the change. “It’s done?”

  “We talked about this, remember? The bar. The other night? Music. Dancing. The kiss,” I reminded him and scooted closer, our knees touching.

  “You were serious about that?”

  “Yeah. I told you I was.”

  “But the list said …”

  “Uh-huh,” I whispered and set my hand on his leg as the Jack Daniel’s coursing through my system made everything seem easier. My head was fuzzy; my inhibitions were gone. Kane had promised to help with the list. He’d read it. I knew he had. It was the kiss and likely the sex part that had him nervous and initially refusing to be my wingman. Now, though, there had been the zip-lining and him helping me prep for the marathon. We’d spent the past month getting up at the crack of dawn to run. He’d helped me streamline my diet, and he hadn’t pulled away when I kissed him that night at Lucky’s.

  The kiss in question was everything my cousin said it should be, and I hadn’t been able to get it out of my head since the moment our mouths disconnected. Maybe it was the Jack. Maybe it was the memory of the kiss and what it told me I could expect if Kane ever agreed to make a move, but something switched off in my head just then. Something that was old and hungry and told me to take what I wanted. I forgot all the warnings I’d given myself about Kane and me being together. I even forgot the convincing I’d always done to remind myself that we would never be anything but friends because, in that moment, I didn’t think about him as my friend. Right then, Kane was a man. A man I wanted.

  “I don’t think…” His voice trailed off when my hand slid up the inside of his leg. “What are you doing, Kit?”

  “I thought we could…you know.” I waggled my eyebrows, feeling a bit frisky and totally carefree. “Make this a two-for-one deal.”

  Kane rocked backward, shocked by my words. “Two for one?”

  “Yeah.”

  He tensed, his eyes going wide, but Kane didn’t stop me when I inched closer. He didn’t do much but stare, looking amazed as I brought my face right next to his.

  “It’s…on the list,” I said, grazing my fingernails along his neck. He smelled like heat and fire and a scent that was all Kane. It made my mouth water and my body convulse.

  “What…” Kane let me straddle him, even leaned back, his eyes still wide but focused as I wobbled on top of him. “This is on this list?”

  “This…” I said, scooting so close that my pussy grazed his dick. “This is leading up to what’s on the list. Or, at least, it could be.” Kane froze just then, his eyebrows coming up as though it was the only move his shock would let him make. I took advantage, loving the coarse feel of his fingertips against my arm when I leaned over him and the sweet heat that crept out of his opened mouth. “Figured you were so good at the kissing, maybe you could show me…” The smallest touch of my thighs against his, the tease of my tongue along his bottom lip, and Kane shut his eyes tight. “Show me what good sex is like.”

  He released a strangled noise, then stopped me, fingers closing around my biceps as he sat up. “Fuck’s sake, Kit, you’ve got no clue what you’re saying.”

  “Oh, I know.” I wiggled over him, feeling drunker and a hell of a lot pleased when Kane’s cock jerked against my leg. “And you do too.”

  It took Kane three deep inhales and the twist of his head away from me as though he needed not to see my expression before he sat up straight, loosening his grip on my arms.

  “The thing is, how I am when I’m alone with a woman ain’t the sweet, well-mannered Kane you know.”

  “Oh shit.” I laughed, my head dipping back as a wave of humor overtook me. “Then I feel sorry for every woman you’ve taken to bed.” He didn’t smile, and I rolled my eyes, not undone in the least by his frown. “Give me a break, will you? You’re an asshole to everyone but me.”

  “Granted,” Kane said, moving his fingers off my arms to rest on my hips as though the movement were an afterthought. As though he didn’t realize what that relaxed, comfortable gesture did to me. I bit my lip, holding back a comment of how close we still were and how his cock hadn’t softened in the least. I might be drunk and feeling a little reckless, but Kane was turned on, and holy hell was I impressed.

  “But,” he said, blinking when I wetted my bottom lip, “when I’m with a woman, alone with a woman, I tend to take control. It’s…it’s the only way I can…” He cleared his throat, moving his hand as if he wanted to drop the explanation.

  “The only way you can get off?” When he nodded, I relaxed my shoulder
s, suddenly more aroused than I’d been seconds before. “So unless you’re bossing someone around, making them serve you…”

  “No.” There was no hesitation in his tone. Kane, in fact, sounded more serious than I’d ever heard him before. “Don’t get it twisted, Kit. I give. I give until I’m weak and weary, but me, with a woman…in my bed…” He paused, and I could have sworn his dark eyes had turned to coal. Something warm and burning twisted my insides, and just then I was sorry I sat so close to him, that I was this close and couldn’t move at all. Damn, I wanted to.

  “It has to be the way I want it.” Kane shifted, leaning back on his palms as I watched him. “I’m not gentle, Kit. I’m generous, but I’m not gentle.”

  I was pretty sure my panties had just melted right off my body.

  “Oh,” I said, my face warming as Kane watched me. There was something in his expression I couldn’t place. Something I wasn’t sure I’d welcome if I ever saw it again. Kane’s mouth was wide, his lips full, made for kissing. Made for sin, and God help me, the fear he kindled inside me just describing what it would be like with him had me walking a line I wasn’t sure I could cross. Wasn’t sure I could make myself turn away from it either.

  “Umm,” Kane said, tapping my hip once to get me to move, and he stood, offering me a hand to help me stand. “So, maybe you want to rethink the sex stuff. Maybe you should conquer the other items first.”

  “Maybe,” I said, dusting off my shorts as I sat back down in front of the fire.

  The forest had gotten quiet, and my repressed fear of nature and all things animal that weren’t big Samoan carpenters who helped me zip-line down the side of a mountain resurfaced.

  “Here,” Kane told me, handing me a thermos. “It’s coffee. It’ll take the piss and wind out of your blood, so you won’t feel compelled to…” He waved his own mug between us, and I caught his meaning.

  Jump my bones. That’s what he meant, but Kane being Kane, he wouldn’t call me on it. He’d wait for the perfect moment, likely when I was feeling myself too much or a little too proud about something I’d done. Then, he’d not too politely reminded me of how handsy I’d been here on the mountain.

  At the moment, I didn’t care about his teasing me. I was still reliving his “I’m generous, but I’m not gentle” confession and trying like hell to keep my libido in check.

  He sat across from me, staring into his mug, and I tried to drown out the noises of the forest around us. There were animals calling to each other—nature and instinct coming together to breathe life and survival into the next season. Sex. Lots of it all around us. Creatures doing the thing that was the most natural to them.

  When a particularly loud shriek echoed through the forest and I jerked so quickly I dropped my thermos, Kane watched the woods, eyes sharp, focused until a slow-moving grin tweaked his bottom lip.

  “Mountain lions,” he provided, then seemed to regret the guess as I released a low gasp. “Don’t worry. They aren’t hungry. They’re…. courtin’.”

  “They’re fucking?”

  “Can’t you tell?” He nodded behind me, when a shriek clapped against the trees like a streak of lightning. “Call of the wild.”

  “I wouldn’t know.”

  There was a little too much whine in my tone just then, and I tried my best to ignore Kane’s frown or how he looked for all the world like he felt sorry he hadn’t let me have my way with him. But I didn’t need the pity. If I was honest, as the coffee worked its magic and my solid buzz got less solid, I realized that jumping Kane out in the middle of the forest probably wasn’t the best idea.

  I wouldn’t force myself on someone who didn’t want me, no matter how drunk I was.

  “Listen,” I started, my gaze shooting to his face, when he started to speak at the same time.

  “Kit…”

  Kane held up his hand, telling me with one gesture that he needed to speak. “You’re beautiful. You’re smart. You’re funny, and it sucks that your cousin left this at your feet.” I leaned back against a tree trunk as Kane crossed around the fire and sat at my side. The wood smoke was almost as comforting as the warmth that spread through my body when Kane sat next to me.

  “You’re…my friend.” I hated how the word sounded in his dry tone, but I managed to keep my expression neutral.

  “Truth is, you’re the one person I don’t mind being around at any given time of the day.” Kane leaned forward, folding his fingers together as he rested his arms on his knees. “Most people get on my nerves.”

  “Not Kiel.”

  His shoulders moved when he laughed. “Especially Kiel.”

  It was a lost cause. I knew that. Kane dropped the wrong F-word, and it sobered me right up. That sweet smile of his also loosened any hold I had on the notion that I could somehow get him alone and naked. Drunk logic never worked right.

  “Well, I’m sorry if I got all…handsy.”

  Kane scrubbed his fingers through his hair, sighing as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Hell, Kit, I’m not saying you didn’t turn me on.”

  “Well, I know that.”

  He nodded, waving a hand as the only gesture of defeat he’d allow me. “You being my friend and all, and being drunk, again, and we’re all alone out here.” Kane leaned back, releasing a small groan as he stretched out his long legs and rested against the tree trunk. “I might not be gentle in the bedroom, but I’m not an asshole either.”

  It made sense, Kane’s reasoning, even if I didn’t like hearing it. He was real and genuine and so fucking gorgeous, sometimes looking at him left me a little dumb. But he was right. The kiss had made things a little sideways for us. Being with him? Out here in the wild? I wouldn’t put it past Bill to set up cameras between the tree limbs. Besides, even if I wanted Kane, I didn’t want him drunk.

  He exhaled again and curled his arms over his chest. I could see the subtle lines of the veins in his thick arms, and the muscles of his forearms were pronounced and so damn tempting. But it did no good to go on watching and wanting him. Not when it would lead me nowhere good.

  Still, there was an item I needed to tick off my list, and if Kane weren’t up to the task, I’d have to find someone who was. When I’d mentioned sex and me with anyone other than Kane on our hike up the mountain, he’d gone all frosty and weird on me, and I didn’t know why. It was just sex. Nothing serious. Nothing all that personal, really.

  “Kane?” I said, staring at the fire in front of me as it cracked and popped against the darkness around us. He offered me a sleepy grunt in reply, and I pulled up my knees, circling them with my arms. “If you don’t want to help me with the sex thing…do you know, maybe know someone who would?”

  “What?” The downed leaves under him rustled when he sat up, jerking to attention like I’d just gut-punched him. Kane rubbed his eyes, his head tilted toward me. “Do I know…”

  “Maybe Dale? He’s single, right? He still dating that girl from Tacoma?” I turned, facing Kane as he gawked at me. “Or maybe, who was that guy who used to hang out with you back in Seattle? The rugby guy from New Zealand?” I went through the list of men I could recall Kane had mentioned knowing or the guys I’d seen him hanging out with in the city or around Lucky’s on the weekends.

  They’d all been handsome, like Kane, though not quite as brooding and sexy. But the only other person I knew would even come close to my friend was the one person he’d likely never want me to be with. Even if it was for the purposes of the list. Still, how different could they be?

  “Hang on,” I said, the handsome face popping to the front of my mind so quickly that I didn’t notice Kane’s expression or how wide his eyes had gotten. “You said Kiel’s single now.” I finally turned toward him, smiling, though his expression still didn’t register. “Do you think he would want to…”

  “Hell fucking no!” Kane said, his voice growing so loud that the shrieking sounds of animal sexy time behind us went quiet.

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” I aske
d, finally paying attention to his face, catching the snarl on his top lip and the tightened muscles around his eyes. “Kane…”

  “Not Dale. Not my friends. And for damn certain not my brother. Not now. Not ever.”

  “But you said…”

  He stood, stomping to the tent to zip back the opening. “It’s late and I’m tired and I’m pretty damn sure you’re still drunk. Time to hit the sleeping bags.”

  “But, Kane…”

  “I’ll take this one,” he said, nodding toward the second tent across the lowering fire. Kane waited for me to stand, still holding open the door to my tent. He went on waiting, not saying a word, not letting that scowl leave his face until I gave up the fight, the drink and argument and almost sex that was never going to happen all weighing down on me in the few seconds it took for me to stand next to him and shimmy inside the small canvas tent.

  Outside my sealed door, I could just make out Kane’s low grumbles, words that were too angry, too muted for me to hear clearly, and in the distance, the quiet refrain of some animal somewhere, doing what came naturally to him.

  Lucky bastard.

  10

  Kane

  I blew out my knee junior year tackling a wiry sophomore who was trying to impress the Patriots’ scout. Northwestern and our NCAA division, I guessed, were minor league for this guy, and he wanted out. Asshole had some sort of scheme working with his offensive lineman; arranged to take me out if I got too close to him post-pass and the two-hundred-forty-pound lineman swiped my legs out from under me and sent me off the field permanently.

  I never knew what happened to the lineman or the first-round pick. Hadn’t heard anything about either of them since I got pulled off the field on a medic golf cart and spent three months in PT telling myself my football career wasn’t over.

  It took my mother’s convincing and Kiel landing a prime spot at NYU to make me realize there were bigger needs in our family than my shot at glory on the gridiron. I’d returned to Seattle, back to my mother’s modest cottage, and started the long road to recovery. It was then that my job as Kiel’s overseer kicked into overdrive. Mom got sick, couldn’t work much, and Kiel was too damn smart, too damn slick, to do much more than hit the books. If he wanted to keep his scholarships and his place at NYU, he couldn’t slack. I made damn sure of that.