Kayden: The Past Read online

  Carrie and I had a standing appointment. It sounds boring and unromantic, but romance wasn’t the name of the game – lust, passion and sex were. We met about every two weeks, sometimes sooner if we felt the need. We never shared too much or held deep conversations.

  After some time away from the situation, I missed Lisa, maybe I was glutton for punishment and my curse was crazy ass bitches. Could I like a normal girl who didn’t turn my world upside down? Did I crave the unknown and want to live on the edge of uncertainty? I sent my monthly payment to the probation officer, waiting until the last minute possible. I hated parting with my cash and sending it away to someone who had everything I owned while I slept in a used bed.

  I had been lying in bed trying to fall asleep for what felt like hours, but it didn’t come. I turned on the television and started watching ESPN, hoping that it would help drown out the thoughts of my failures in love and especially Lisa. I stared at my finger that held her name. My ring finger, she’d promised herself to me always and wanted me to put her name on my body to prove my devotion to her. I jumped as my phone started to ring and jump from the vibrations, dancing on my night stand. I answered it without looking at the caller ID; I figured it was Carrie wanting to plan our next night.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey,” said a small voice. My heart stopped with the sound of her voice. I didn’t know what to say to her, what was there to say? “Kayden?” she asked in an unsure tone.

  “Yeah, what do you want?” I asked not moving from my bed although I felt the need to pace around my room.

  “I miss you,” she said in a soft tone that I hadn’t heard in a long time.

  “That’s hard to believe.”

  “Kayden, I do miss you. God, I’ve fucked everything up.” Her voice cracked, and the sound became muffled.

  “The only person who got fucked in this is me, Lisa.”

  “I know. God, I was just so pissed at you. It just got all out of hand.”

  I know I got out of hand. If I wouldn’t have destroyed our things, I wouldn’t have been arrested and be on probation. “I’m sorry I broke in and fucked things up. I just couldn’t believe you locked me out, and it didn’t help that I’d been drinking either.”

  “I just wanted to piss you off. I was so fucking mad at you. I wanted you to feel a little of what I felt. I would’ve cooled off after a night without you, and it would’ve ended there.” She sighed, “But you had to come in and destroy shit. You crossed the line, Kayden. I had to call the cops. I fucking saw red when I walked in the door.”

  “I know. Everything got out of hand between us, Lisa. Where did it all go wrong?” I asked putting my arms over my head getting more comfortable. This Lisa was the one who I thought I fell in love with, the calm and remorseful woman who I had known before she became possessed.

  “Do you think we can start over? Can I come visit you, Kayden?” I didn’t answer right away. So many thoughts went through my mind with the thought of seeing her again. “Please.” She started to sob.

  Fuck. I was a sucker for tears. “Yes, you can come for a weekend if you want.”

  “The house has been so empty without you. I’m lost without you.”

  “We’re not getting back together, Lisa, but you can come spend some time with me.” I couldn’t commit to her. I couldn’t give my heart to her; it was already raw and an open wound.

  “I just need to sleep in your arms. Maybe someday we can be a couple again.”

  “I don’t think so, Lisa. We’re like oil and water. We just don’t mix well together. I don’t know if I can ever trust you again. What’s to stop you from doing it again?”

  “Let’s handle it one trip at a time. I’ll let you know when I book a ticket. Thank you, Kayden.”

  I must clearly be a fucking moron. “We’ll talk then.” I wasn’t going to give her free reign to re-enter my life and rub salt in the wound. I should’ve told her no, to go fuck herself, but we had history, and I didn’t want to cut the last string of possibility without knowing it was totally over between us. Her kindness on the phone made it impossible for me to say no; she did have a loving side, although I hadn’t seen it for ages. The holidays were coming up; I’d use that as an excuse for my total lack of judgment.

  Carrie was my easy lay, the one who came without complication, expectations, and rules. My life was easy, but I felt it was about to get a bit rocky. I didn’t tell Carrie since we weren’t an item. I didn’t ask her if I was the only one in her life, and she never asked me. Lisa wouldn’t be in my life; I needed the closure and maybe we’d put the hurt and anger behind us with this trip. I could get on with my life and move forward free of the anger.

  Auld Lang Syne ~ Lisa

  Lisa booked her ticket and would be spending three days and two nights with me, including New Year’s Eve. My stomach ached, my heart thundered in my chest, and my palms grew wet against the steering wheel as I drove to the airport. I hadn’t seen her in months, and I didn’t want to get sucked in and lose myself again. I finally felt like me again, the Kayden I used to be before the ladies in my life decided to use me as a rug.

  I sat near the exit and waited for her to appear through the endless line of people. I checked my watch; her flight should have landed by now. Maybe she changed her mind and didn’t get on the plane realizing what a cluster fuck this would turn out to be. I leaned forward in my chair as a sense of relief and calm overcame me as I stared at my feet. She wasn’t coming – I could breathe again.

  Furry boots stopped in front of me, and I slowly looked up. She made the flight and stood before me with a giant smile on her face. She looked relaxed and happy. She looked like the girl I first met to chat with over drinks so long ago. “Hey, stranger,” she said her eyes crinkling into little slits from the large smile on her face.

  I stood up, and she wrapped her arms around my waist. She melted into my body, a feeling I knew well and a comfort that I’d been used to and felt the loss of late at night. I wrapped my arms around her and inhaled the scent of her as I held her. She buried her face in my chest and squeezed me so tight that my chest hurt. “Hey,” I said, grabbing her arms trying to pry her off me.

  “Sorry about that,” she said as she let go and wiped her eyes. “I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.” She looked me in the eyes, “I’m so sorry, Kayden.”

  “Ready?” I wouldn’t say I felt happy as I stood with her in the airport. I felt more on edge than I had in months.

  “Yes.” I grabbed the bag out of her hand and started walking toward the exit. She walked quickly to catch up to me before reaching out to hold my hand. I didn’t pull away from the contact; she’d be sharing my bed for two nights; I needed to get used to it even if it made me uncomfortable.

  I still felt betrayed, but I knew I played a role. My drinking had been a cause as well as my inability to control my temper. I’d been just as big of an asshole as she had that night. The ride to my apartment was quiet; quieter than any time I could ever remember between us and tension filled the air. She stroked my arm as I drove, and I felt relieved as I parked the truck in the apartment lot.

  “Come on,” I said as I opened my door and climbed out of the truck. The air had grown cold after the sun set, and a gust of wind caused me to shiver as I pulled her bag out of the back of the truck.

  “Shit, I’m freezing.” She wrapped her sweater around her body a little tighter as she followed behind me through the courtyard.

  “It’s not bad, not like Florida, but nowhere near as shitty as Ohio.” I unlocked the door, and only Mark sat in the living room.

  “Mark, this is Lisa,” I said as I kicked off my shoes, and Lisa walked into the apartment.

  “Hey,” Mark said looking at Lisa with suspicion. The guys knew all about Lisa. I had spilled my guts on what she’d put me through, and they thought I was fucking crazy letting her come here. Maybe they were right.

  “Hi,” she said as she looked around the apartment, judging the way we lived.
I could almost see the wheels spinning in her head; she was so deep in thought.

  “Want to stay out here or go in my room,” I asked.

  “Room, please.” She smiled, but I could tell the joy on her face wasn’t real.

  Lisa followed me to my bedroom and set her purse on the dresser. “This is it?” she asked.

  “It’s all I have, remember?”

  “I do. I just didn’t think… I thought you had more.”

  “Lisa, I left with nothing. You have all my things. What you see is what I have to my name.”

  “I never thought of it that way. I’m sorry.” She wrapped her arms around me. “Are you okay?” Where did this tender caring Lisa come from?

  “I’m fine, Lisa. I’ve been happy and have all I need.”

  “Can’t we try again?” I could feel her heartbeat against my chest.

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea. We’d just end in disaster again.”

  She moved away from me and sat on the bed looking like she just lost her best friend. “I know… you’re right. Can we just enjoy these few days? Like old times.” My version of old times had to be different than hers. Enjoy isn’t a term I’d use to describe our last few months together, more like torture. It went both ways, and we fed off each other.

  “Can you at least send me my clothes or something?” I asked as I sat down next to her.

  “I brought a couple things with me.” She kneeled down on the floor and pulled out a couple sweaters. They weren’t much, but in that moment, they felt like everything to me. She handed them to me, and I placed them on the bed. I reached out and helped her off the floor.

  “Thank you, Lisa.” I squeezed her hands and pulled her into me. She crawled on my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck. I didn’t pull away or stop her. Lisa always made my cock hard.

  We weren’t only explosive in our fights, but our fucking usually reached radioactive levels. I grabbed her face and kissed her lips, drawing my tongue across her bottom lip. My cock twitched as she shifted on my lap and pressed her body weight against me, and I fell backwards into the mattress. I ran my fingers through her hair and grabbed it in my fist pulling her face to mine.

  I didn’t love Lisa anymore; she’d done more harm to me than any woman in my past. Danielle and Bridget left me, but Lisa, Lisa ripped my heart out and danced on it. The phrase ‘there’s a fine line between love and hate’ fit the moment perfectly. I was so pissed and turned on at the same time. I needed to fuck her and use my cock to take my anger out on her. I’ve never hit a woman except when asked during sex, and I knew she’d ask for it; she always did. I’d think of this as therapy to rid myself of the Lisa problem forever and move forward with my life.

  I increased my grip on her hair, pulling it away from her head. I thrust my tongue in her mouth and moved it across her smooth tongue, tangling them together. She tasted just as I’d remembered. I devoured her mouth, sucked the breath out of her and captured her moans. I deepened the kiss demanding everything she had to offer.

  I reached down and grabbed her sweater, lifting it over her head. I unclasped her bra and removed the straps from her shoulder as I kissed her. My fingers danced across her skin, relishing in the softness and the curves I knew by heart. I gripped her ass, grinding my erection into her as a gasp escaped her lips. “I’ve missed your cock. I want you so bad.”

  She sat up putting pressure on my cock and helped me remove my shirt. I never thought I’d be in this spot again. She unbuttoned and unzipped my pants with quick fingers. I did the same to her before pushing them down her hips and waited for her to remove them. She had a pretty pink G-string underneath with her neatly trimmed blond hair peeking through the lace. I lifted my hips and let her pull my pants down as she moved with them down my legs. My cock sprang free and bounced hitting my stomach. She climbed off the bed and took both of our jeans with her, depositing them on the floor. She crawled up my legs like a tiger staring at me like a meal after a fast. The hair on my body stood up from the sensation or the déjà vu of seeing her on my body again.

  She stopped at my cock and ran her nails up the length. It twitched calling for more attention preferably from her mouth. She knew I loved the feel of her lips wrapped around my cock. She ran her tongue around my balls and up the sensitive skin of my cock, latching on to the sensitive tip. She drew it in her mouth without the use of her hands. I watched her ass as her body moved up and down taking me fully, swallowing me whole. I laid there and took everything she gave for minutes – I was greedy and felt no remorse. It wasn’t enough for me; I needed more and wanted to possess her. I needed the lust and passion, and my hands wrapped around her.

  I grabbed her arms pulling her towards me, needing to be in control and wanting to bury myself deep. I reached down and grabbed her panties twisting them in my fist from the side. I pulled quickly, hearing the snap of the cloth as it ripped from her flesh. I lifted her by her hips setting her on the bed next to me and rolled on top of her, nestling between her legs. I held my cock in my hand as I poked her opening. I didn’t give a fuck if she was ready for me or not; I was ready, and she wasn’t protesting. I inserted the tip before withdrawing my hand and gripping her ass tilting her upwards. I jammed my cock in her, causing her body to move slightly across the bed. I moved my arm from her side to under her back and secured her in place.

  I pumped and thrust, taking all my anger and frustration out on her pussy. She moaned and screamed not giving a fuck who heard in the next room. I knew she wouldn’t last long as her pussy clamped down on my cock. I left my cock buried inside of her as I adjusted myself to a sitting position. I grabbed a pillow from the bed and placed it under her ass, giving me the angle and freeing my hands. I bent her legs placing them between her body and mine.

  I leaned against her shins; my body hovering above her. I wrapped my hands around her neck as I increased my speed and depth. I pressed down on the veins in her neck, decreasing the blood flow to her brain. She wrapped her arms around my wrist and held my hands to her neck. Lisa loved to be choked when she came. It heightened the sensation and increased the intensity.

  I became lost in the moment as I watched her face turn red while my hands were wrapped around her neck. Her eyes began to glisten, and my thrusting became angry and unrelenting. I squeezed and pumped until I felt her body tighten, and her pussy convulsed around me. The sight of her in my grip, vulnerable to me and my ability to end her life in a second made my spine tingle. It tipped me over the edge, sending shockwaves through my body.

  I released my hands, and she began to gasp and cough, gulping air trying to catch her breath. I watched as the redness drained from her face, leaving a soft pink glow. “Just how you wanted it?”

  “You scared me a little,” she coughed. “I didn’t think you were going to let go.”

  “I almost didn’t. I could have ended you right there.”

  “I knew you wouldn’t, Kayden. You love me too much to hurt me.”

  “Past tense.”

  “What?” She ran her hand across her face and settled it on her neck rubbing the now sensitive pink skin. ”I almost blacked out.”

  “I loved you too much to hurt you before, but it was a temptation I had to fight.” Her eyes grew huge as she stared at me. “You’re lucky I have self-control, Lisa. I almost got lost in the moment.”

  Flopping on my back, I tried to steady my breath. She rolled over and snuggled into my side underneath my arm. “I know you love me. Deny it all you want. I’m part of you.”

  “Lie to yourself all you want, Lisa.” The room became silent with only the sounds from the living room television filling the air. She rubbed her cheek against my chest before settling in and getting comfortable. I would have wrapped her up and enveloped her with my body if we were still a couple, but instead, I let her lay against me as I enjoyed the warmth and thought about my future.

  My orgasm wasn’t only a release of pent up sexual tension between us, but it was a release of the anger and hurt t
hat she’d caused. I knew I could move forward, leave her behind and make a life that I wanted. Free of relationships and filled with sex.

  We spent New Year’s Eve day walking around the quarter. I showed Lisa as much of the city as I could since it was fairly new to me. The city buzzed as preparations for tonight’s celebration were being completed. The Fleur de Lis sat atop a pole on Decatur Street, waiting for the clock to strike midnight. I made dinner reservations at a beautiful restaurant just outside Riverwalk for us to talk before heading into the hordes of people celebrating in Jackson Square.

  We placed our dinner order, and there was an uncomfortable pause in the conversation. As we walked around, we talked about the city, but sitting here at the table with her, there was a tension between us. “Kayden,” Lisa said.

  “Yeah?” I sipped on my beer and waited for her to comment about my drinking. Why would today be any different than before?

  “Since you’ve left, it’s been hard for me to make the bills each month. I spent all the money I had on the plane ticket.” She fidgeted with the napkin on the table, “Could you help me out?”

  “You already get a couple hundred dollars from me each month,” I stared at her. Since I left? What the fuck? She seemed to rewrite history. Maybe it made her feel better to think it was my choice instead of her forcing it on me.

  “I know, but it’s not enough. Christmas wiped me out this year, and I need some help,” she begged. “Please.”

  One thing Lisa always liked was money. She liked to live above her means, and her five finger discounts helped her achieve that with her mediocre pay as a receptionist. “Fine, Lisa. I’ll give you five hundred dollars and the cash for your ticket,” I already owed her thousands, what was a couple hundred dollars more? “If you promise to send me my things, Lisa.” I wasn’t thrilled about the idea, but she said she’d send me some things from her home. I’d look at it as payment. If I didn’t give her the cash, I’d likely see nothing. Everything had a price when it came to her.